Upstanders Plus Cyberbullying Tips

Today has been an emotional day for me. On the way to drop off the kids this morning to school, I received a voicemail from a parent in Nebraska who has been advocating for stronger anti-bullying measures in her child’s school and community. We talked for quite some time, and it was like talking to one of our fellow ABC directors or a soul sister. She spoke of her son who is currently a high school student and how she feared for his safety; she spoke of how close they were and her fear when he was suicidal at the thought of returning to his school. Tears flooded my eyes in empathy for her son and the heartbreak and determination I heard in her voice. Her passion and drive reminds me of me and I’m looking forward to working together with her in future endeavors.

Emotional and inspired by the phone conversation, I am working along when I get tagged in a local group I belong to. A parent had posted her frustration of a cyber-bullying closed group her child had been “added” to targeting a fellow student. Her child immediately told her about the group and she put in calls to the school, but there were no return calls. Another parent knew that I was a part of ABC and tagged me to draw my attention to the post. I asked the parent to call me immediately and she gave me access to the group in which the image they had photoshopped of a young boy made me nauseous. I immediately started taking screen shots and with her help drafted an email to the administration with attached images. I then followed up with a phone call and it is being investigated immediately.

I was at first going to create a status update on ABC of what to do in situations like this, but then recognizing my long-winded capability I decided to instead create a blog post.

I would urge ALL parents to have login information for your children if they are on Facebook or any other social media site. It is our duty as parents to ensure safety of our children everywhere, web or otherwise. Monitor your kids on social media!

Here are some tips if you are in a similar situation:

1. Take screen shots of images and members of the group by hitting Ctrl PrtScn (Control and Print Screen) simultaneously. Open up Paint and Paste the image, crop as needed and Save as a JPG. Continue to do this to get all pertinent information.

2. Once you have images saved, Report any Abuse by clicking the X by the post and selecting the Report Abuse option. In Facebook, they will give you options such as Violence, Targeting a Friend etc. You can also report the Group.

3. Call the school administration, go to the school with print outs and Follow Up with an Email with attached images.

4. Contact a local advocacy group or contact us at abc.antibullyingcoalition@gmail.com.

5. Talk to your kids about cyberbullying and the importance of being an upstander.

I want to commend the child who immediately told his mom about this group and the mom for taking action with the school and ABC.

Together We Can!

We Hear You Series #3: Don't Feed the Mean

In the beginning of my 5th grade year a few of my good friends, from the previous years, decided to turn on me. I had no idea why. It started with not talking to me and staying clear of me at recess and after school. Then the name calling began. I had very short hair for a girl, so they'd make rude comments or call me names based on that. They'd make fun of my clothes, too. I can remember just getting home as quickly as possible to share this with my mom and bawling my eyes out. I didn't understand why these girls had been my good friends before and now it seemed they hated me. I will never forget one girl that stood by my side through all of it. She never said anything, she was simply there with me, which was so comforting to me to know that one person liked me and at that same time was not bad-mouthing the girls that were being mean. I would run home as fast as I could to get away from that atmosphere every day. My mom would listen to me and then she would always say that sometimes when people make fun of others, it's because they have something they would like. In other words, my mom thought they were jealous of me. I just had to tell myself that over and over and never shout or comment mean things back. My mom made that really clear- no matter what, do not do what they're doing to me. Ignore the comments as hard as it was sometimes. No need to call names back at them, etc. I can also say that being involved in a sport at that time helped tremendously, as well. It was not associated with the school, so I had different friends there to hang out with and take out my frustration through the activity!

The bullying continued and led to prank calls that eventually were almost 24 hours a day. It got so bad, we intervened with the police to find out where the calls had been coming from. We did find out it was the same few girls. They had to apologize to me and my family. After that all happened, I remember being friends with these girls again. Even though I was hurt deeply by their comments, my one friend that was always there for me and my mom, helped me understand that some kids can be mean, but usually they have some issues of their own that they are trying to deal with. The best advice was not to feed in to their "mean-ness", but to ignore what they said to me and move on. Be the best me I could and surround myself with positive people and positive activities (sports, clubs).

Palm Tree by Scout

It was a cold, snowy day. Scout went to Florida with his step-mom Lynda, his aunt Shelby, and his Dad. He flew on an airplane for the first time, and thought it was awesome! But on that plane ride, Scout got an idea of getting a palm tree.

He arrived safely, went to the hotel, and fell asleep. The next day, his aunt Shelby and his Dad took him souvenir shopping. He looked and looked for a palm tree, but couldn't find one. Finally everyone gave up on him, but he didn't give up on himself.

They were on their way to the airport, when Scout thought his dream of buying a palm tree for home might not come true, but he never gave up.

Scout and his family were a hour early to the airport and to waste time, they walked through the stores. In one of those stores, Scout found a palm tree "in a box" for sale and bought it.

When people don't believe in you or are just mean to you, that's no reason to give up.

Scout never gave up even though his family doubted. Anything comes true when you are determined and never give up. Scout is happy to wake up every morning and look at his palm tree.

So do yourself a favor, and NEVER GIVE UP.

A Proud Mommy Moment

As a parent and an advocate against bullying, I continuously communicate with my children about being kind to one another and if someone hurts them in school, then they need to tell their teacher or a trusted adult.

I have a very shy and introverted 7 year old little boy. Dylan has anxiety, an adjustment disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and a touch of oppositional-defiant disorder. When things don't go his way, he gets angry and it's hard for him to listen to reason. He has been getting much better this year than last year, however and that is a good thing.

At the end of September, I received an email from his first grade teacher, saying that Dylan was bothering other boys in his class by poking them and shoving them. I just sat there, staring at the computer screen totally dumbfounded. I knew I had to have this conversation again, especially since I do nothing but talk about bullying on facebook and other areas. How could people take me seriously if my own son wasn't following what I have been preaching?

After school, his father and I sat him down and had a long talk about this issue. At first he denied it (of course), but I can usually tell when my children are trying to lie to me. He finally gave in, and told me that other people were picking on him, so he was poking them to get back at them.

This is where I went through the list of what he needs to do, in order to take care of the situation, without being a bully himself. He tried to rebuttle by telling me that he's not allowed to tattle (something his father and I can't stand when it's the petty stuff like "He's looking at me!"). I explained to him that tattling and telling are two different things, and it's ok to tell his teacher that someone is picking on him. I explained that if he were to take care of the problem by being a bully back, then he would get into trouble as well, and that is not acceptable. I explained again about kindness and learning to accept others, even if we do not necessarily like them. He just kept nodding and was getting irritated with me, and I know my son well enough to know that when he starts to get irritated, he starts to shut down.

Just recently, we had our first parent/teacher conference. I was nervous about going because of this situation, but I needed to know what was going on since that incident. I asked her how he was doing, and she smiled and said that she didn't know what I had said to him, but that his entire attitude had changed. She said that he now stands up for himself, and if someone picks on him, he will FIRST tell them to please stop and that he doesn't like what they are doing (I didn't actually go over that part with him, but he picked it up on his own!). She said if they don't listen to him, then he will go straight to her and tell her what is going on, and then he lets it go.

Can we say HOORAY??!!! I am so incredibly proud of him!! I almost cried during the conference!! After the conference, I went home and immediately picked him up into this huge bear hug and told him how proud of him I was. I asked him to please keep it up, and to always stand up for himself in an appropriate way. Dylan apparently wasn't shutting down on me. He was listening in his own way, and he wasn't really irritated with me. He was processing the information given to him, and I should have known better to think he had tuned me out. We ask our children to listen to us...and we should listen to them in return.

Communication is the key for our children to be successful. Open up the dialogue and discuss the important issues with them. Trust me, they ARE listening.


~Amy~

An Open Letter to My Children

I love each of you in ways indescribable by me.

I want you to grow up knowing that you are loved.

I want you to grow up knowing that no matter what I am here for you.

I want you to grow up being able to be whatever you want to be.

I want you to grow up being whoever you want to be.

I want you to grow up knowing there are always options.

I want you to grow up in a world filled with random acts of kindness.

I want you to grow up being an upstander.

I want you to grow up being strong young women and men who advocate for those in need.

I want you to grow up in a world without bullying.

I want you to grow up.

Love,

Your mom

We Hear You Series #2: Commenting Up! (Speaking up through Facebook comments)

From Barb:

This is why I continue to post for ABC. Some people just have no clue.
I just want to share a conversation that took place on my wall yesterday. I'm still shocked at BLANKS comments. His name is blocked to protect him from the bullying. I'm gonna tell him the next time we meet, even though I'll always love him, my respect for him is gone. I'm very disappointed that this conversation even took place, and am still awaiting for BLANK to apologize.

Barb Soh shared a link.
"Please Remember" - A Tribute to Those Lost to Bullycide
Like · · Share · Yesterday at 10:47

1 share
BLANK SAID: I say man up. We all got picked on as kids.......why is everyone treating this as a new trend. Its a life leasson that has to be learened. Why do we coddle children these days
Yesterday at 10:56 · Like

Barb Soh: because children these days are horrible. my daughter was cyberbullied and it was horrible. no child should feel so low and degraded as children these days make them feel. you'll understand when you're a parent.
Yesterday at 11:00 · Like

BLANK SAID: I guess I see ur point.....but I always took it as a life lesson that makes u stronger. It may not have cyber bullying but it was bullying. It makes u stronger and realize how to deal with people.
Yesterday at 11:03 · Like

OUTRAGED #1 SAID:  How sad that you should say "man up". it's exactly this kind of attitude that teaches children (who eventually become adults) that it is ok to treat other people like shit and make them feel worthless. Remember... some kids may not have parents that care either, maybe they don't have anyone to help them stand up for themselves... regardless of what their situation is at home it IS NOT just part of life. We need to be nicer to each other, as children AND adults. and there is quite a difference between coddling a child and raising them to stand up for what's right. I for one have not raised my child or taught my child that it ok to harass people, call them names, spread rumors etc. and if more parents and teachers did the same maybe the world wouldn't be such a harsh place to live in.
Yesterday at 11:34 · Like

Barb Soh: ok BLANK. you know i love you but let me tell you a couple of stories. when i had my nervous breakdown and couldn't force myself out of my bed for 7 months out of the last year my sister screamed at me, told me to pull up my big girl pants, took my daughter away from me and told me to get over it. what the hell was she thinkin? had i been able to do that don't ya think i woulda? to this day, she has my daughter legally and there ain't a damn thing i can do about it but cry because being deemed mentally insane has taken away my rights as a parent. she is still saying the same sort of things to me, hurting me more every time i talk to her, keeping my depression and anxiety at an all time high. yes, i do see myself as worthless and have on many occasions considered suicide because of her constant control over my mental status. but i know that's out of the question because of my daughter.
Yesterday at 12:13 · Like

Barb Soh: now lets move on to my 33 year old gay son. how do you think his childhood was? he would get bullied at school and then come home to his physically abusive step father who took away my ability to protect myself let alone my sons. on his school trip to washington dc, nobody wanted to room with him, and those finally assigned to do so made his trip a living hell. then he went on to college. on the first day in the dorms, students were allowed to put white boards on their doors for friends to leave messages if he wasn't in his room. that first message was not from a friend. it said "faggots must die". i made it to the university of toledo in hour and a half from mentor to protect the rights of my son. the student was caught and expelled, but that will never change what was to be my sons wonderful first day of college.
Yesterday at 12:21 · Like

Barb Soh: now on to my 25 year old son with tourettes syndrome. he made noises, his eyes blinked constantly, he would flick his fingers and he was the butt of most jokes during his school years. he too came home to that father, who used to make fun of him also. what kind of life is it for a child or adult who gets bullied. i can tell you all too well, but just the thought of what my kids went through is hopefully enough to help you see it from the other side of the coin.
Yesterday at 12:25 · Like

OUTRAGED #2 SAID:  I dont know you BLANK but shame on you

Informative Speech on ABC

Harvey Firestone once said, “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself."



As a parent, there is little you wouldn’t do to protect your child. But what do you do when everywhere you turn you are not being heard?

She was so excited to start kindergarten last year. She packed her crayons, scissors and glue into her backpack and ran to the car hurrying her mom along. Kindergarten would be so much fun! But it didn’t turn out that way for her. She was repeatedly bullied by children in her class. She was slapped and spit on, oinked at in the lunchroom, blocked from using the bathroom and held down on the playground as two boys touched her on the outside of her clothes. She yelled for help and was punished. She was scared to tell her parents, and was making herself sick to avoid school. She stopped eating. Her mom took her to the doctor and then to a therapist. She tells the therapist what’s been happening and the therapist brings in her parents to tell them. Her mom goes to the principal who ignores her. They get a medical transfer from the therapist and pediatrician and the school admin refuses to honor it. She has been bullied into silence.

(Note: During this story, which is true, I had a picture of my Doodle up there, which even though I knew it wasn't a story about her, when I looked over and saw her picture on her first day of Kindergarten I got reallllly emotional.)

This was the founding advocacy case of ABC. I’ll let you know how this family fared, but first I will give you a bit of information on what ABC is and what we do.



ABC was founded in March 2011 at El Bracero in Michigan City. ABC stands for Anti-Bullying Coalition and using that same Acronym our tagline is: Advocacy, Building Awareness + Confidence.

ABC was formed as a Facebook page to advocate for local parents and raise awareness of bullying. In six short months, our Facebook page has grown to over 6000 people from all over the world. We have been blessed to connect and network with many like-minded activist pages.

We recently rolled out our official website at http://www.antibullyingcoalition.net.

When I was stressed about what aspect I would speak about today I reached out to the community and received an overwhelming response. Of course that only made it worse for me trying to narrow it down, but it was amazing to see all of the responses and great ideas.






Our services are:
♥ Strong Family Advocacy
♥ Workshops
♥ Coordinate "Positive Playdates," "Teen Time" and "Grown-Up Get Togethers"
♥ Building Awareness + Confidence
♥ Promotion of well executed, universal anti-bullying action plan
♥ The "What to do?" Resource




Bullying is a major issue in today’s society. Not just here, but worldwide. Here are some staggering national statistics:

* 1 in 7 Students in Grades K-12 is either a bully or a victim of bullying.
* 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month.
* 90% of 4th through 8th graders report being victims of bullying
* Harassment and bullying have been linked to 75% of school-shooting incidents.
(Make Beats Not Beat Downs, 2009)



Bullycide is a newer definition for suicide induced by bullying.



According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention:

• Suicide is the sixth leading cause of death among those 5-14 years old.
• Suicide is the third leading cause of death among those 15-24 years old.
(American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, 2011)

This poster image was furnished to us by Putting a Face on Suicide who has a separate album of Putting a Face on Bullycide. There are many more who have lost their lives due to bullycides and the deaths of so many children due to bullying is what first inspired me to become an activist.



I have become friends with many parents who have lost their children to bullycides. Their strength, courage and determination to see a change is incredibly inspiring to me, as they have lived through my greatest fear, of losing a child to bullycide.

Two pages I would highly recommend that reflect what a worldwide problem bullying is are:

Jeremiah’s Hope for Kindness

And

Friends of Dom Crouch Against Bullying



The 5 year anniversary of Jeremiah’s death was just October 22. In honor of Jeremiah, his memory and his mother, Ann, we at ABC changed our logo to this in support. We have yet to change our profile picture:



I consider myself activist. I believe we can make a difference. ABC’s tagline is <3 Together We Can <3 because we firmly believe that it must be a together effort. One person may not be able to change the world, but together we can turn the tide of this epidemic.



To follow up on the story I shared with you earlier, after all the doors were shut in the mom’s face, we chose to go to the media and were featured on the front page of the Michigan City News Dispatch two days before we met with the principal and guidance counselor. It made an impact, her medical transfer was honored and she was able to withdraw from that school.

Her mom said to us, “You gave me my backbone back.” This still gives me chills.

We want to see a change in society to one of acceptance, kindness, compassion and empathy but until then, we will continue to advocate for families in need and have their voices be heard.

As my fellow ABC partner Aunt T says, “Prejudice is learned. Teach Acceptance.”



^That was my last line of my informative speech, but I've added this note for the blog:

In addition to the pages I shared in the speech, I’d like to take a moment to recognize the other phenomenal pages and work done by parents who have lost a child due to bullycide. I only had 5 – 7 minutes, would have preferred to share more as well as play the Words Do Hurt video, but there was not enough time.

Please check out the following pages:

Putting a Face on Suicide ~ https://www.facebook.com/puttingafaceonsuicide
B.R.A.V.E. ~ http://www.facebook.com/BRAVESociety
Kindness Matters ~ https://www.facebook.com/Kindness.Matters222
Smiles for Danielle ~ https://www.facebook.com/groups/173225196067230

Also please check out the Words Do Hurt video and Facebook page. Alye’s message is so very powerful, with not a single word spoken.

Words Do Hurt YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37_ncv79fLA

Words Do Hurt Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/WRDSDOHRT



Works Cited
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. (2011). Facts & Figures. Retrieved October 25, 2011, from American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=050FEA9F-B064-4092-B1135C3A70DE1FDA
Anti-Bullying Coalition, Inc. (2011, October). Anti-Bullying Coalition. Retrieved October 24, 2011, from Anti-Bullying Coalition: http://www.antibullyingcoalition.net
Crouch, R. (n.d.). Friends of Dom Crouch Against Bullying. Retrieved October 24, 2011, from Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/FriendsofDomCrouchAgainstbullying
Firestone, H. (n.d.). Goodreads Harvey Firestone Quotable Quotes. Retrieved October 24, 2011, from Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/show/7128
Gettis, A. (n.d.). Jeremiah's Hope for Kindness. Retrieved October 24, 2011, from Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/JeremiahsHopeforKindness
Make Beats Not Beat Downs. (2009). Bullying Facts & Statistics. Retrieved October 24, 2011, from MBNBD Make a Sound for a Voice Unheard: http://www.makebeatsnotbeatdowns.org/facts_new.html
Suicide, P. a. Putting a Face on Bullycide. Putting a Face on Suicide.